We start on the simple side of things. What actress wouldn't jump at this role for an unproduced A&E pilot?
Your heart explodes with excitement and blood. You knew this day would come, this day of all days. The worry slips away and it all becomes clear. Big picture and small picture are suddenly one. You are ready for this. Now everything you learned from that Anne Bogart workshop comes flooding back to you... revelation of space... revelation of hair color... revelation of too-broad age range... That $270 check you send to Sallie Mae every month suddenly seems worth it. Let the breath drop in. Push it out. Let it drop in, and with it, the future you waited for. Now bleach your hair. God dammit, you are ready for this!
Oh look, here's an actual paid gig! Good news: it's a decent wage. Better news: it's a "Twitter contest" for "HOT GIRLS." Better call your Alexander coach now!!
[HOT GIRLS]
Female, early to mid 20s. Must be comfortable putting sexy photos on web site (no nudity) and comfortable tweeting and answering questions on live internet feed.
It's an online companion project to a new cable show, which merely requires the girls to be photographed wearing skimpy clothing and "compete against the cast of the show." What exactly the hell a "Twitter contest" is is not included in the description, but it involves being questioned by random dudes on the internet about "what they look for in men." They don't call it soft-core porn, so it's not soft-core porn. Nope! Nothing says "not soft-core porn" like "sexy photos on website." And nothing says "child pornographer" like referring to full-grown nudie models as "girls." Freudian slip? We don't even know what that means.
Now here's a worthwhile project: 30 Rock. It's hard for young women to find solid comedic roles on TV, and in New York they're especially few and far between. Well, here's your chance! They're finally casting young women! Surely Tina Fey has something nice and meaty cooked up for your comedy chops...
[SAG BLONDE FEMALE]
20-25, to work as a "boat show model." Must be comfortable wearing a bikini. This is a major network show, so nothing too revealing.
Hmm... go ahead, see if your UCB training can help you become more comfortable in a bikini. Can you do it? Sure you can. Think funny thoughts. Funny, like, oh I don't know, a dog wearing a wig! Old people falling down stairs! Spit takes! Oh, that'll do the trick. Coffee spit takes, water spit takes, spit takes that then cause a puddle which causes and old dog wearing a wig to fall down stairs! Ooh, you tied it all together! That's the magic of improv, and you have it on lock down. Now, try on a bikini.
Feel comfortable yet? If no, turn to Page 43. If yes, guess what? Now you have to find a bikini that isn't revealing, you slutty slutty hooker you. Good luck! I wonder if burkinis count...
Now, a boat show model.... you've never played a boat show model before. That could be just the challenge you've been searching for. Just do sensory work on the smell of sea salt, or the cool mist on your face, perhaps the feeling of thermal waves coming up off the asphalt, the garbled voice of the announcer getting your name wrong. Really go there. Feel yourself withdrawing from the University of Phoenix. You say, "Fuck it, I can just model at Dan's Marina for cash." Say it out loud. Say "fuck it." And mean it. Taste the chicken Caesar wrap they got you from Sequa Deli across the street. Notice they used actual egg yolk and anchovies in the dressing. Taste it. Feel impressed. Now, be impressed. Are you impressed? Really, truly impressed? Now, you're impressive.
See how that works? I only know what works for me, but I would hope others could benefit from my experience.
Your fathers will weep with joy, or something akin to joy, to see you book any of these roles. Enjoy your leftovers, and try not to get trampled out there. You've got great work left to do.
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