Sunday, November 28, 2010

Won't Somebody Think Of The Men?!

Friday's post was all these wimmin problems. If all you heard was "Blah blah blah, my period, wah," here's the post for you!

We all know that www.craigslist.org is a highly reputable organization. That's what "org" stands for. Whether you desperately need to contract bed bugs or are simply looking to break into the sex industry, Craigslist is there to lend a helping hand. The Talent section is chock full of hidden casting gems, such as the following posted on Saturday:




It's okay, I speak Sex Offender. Allow me to translate:


"I am looking for a model..." ----> "I am trolling for disadvantaged youth..."

"...to come work with me in my space" ----> "...who have minimal mold allergies."

"My images slant toward the artistic side of things" --> "How fast do you bleed?"

"$75" ---> "That covers tattoo removal, right?"

"I do not do commerical work"----> "Here, smell this rag."

Sounds good, right? I'm sure being a semi-consenting part of somebody's private spank bank will help you nab that commerical agent you've been longing for. So if you're interested in being "treated like a professional" (a professional what, exactly?), go ahead and track this guy down. He's the one who's been staring at the mannequins in J.C. Penny's for a little too long.

Here's a non-union short film for all you non-actor actors:


I'm looking for 'non-actor' types, actors with less training than extensive training, people who can connect to the characters, work in a fluid, sometimes improvised way. I admire fearlessness in actors, and appreciate your time reading this.

[
ERNIE ] (25-35) is mentally ill, but has recovered quite well and is now being released from John George, a mental institution. He is socially awkward, private, and accommodating. He has an inability to communicate his wants/needs because he doesn't know what they are outside institution walls. At first he wanted out, got out, but now what?



Now what, indeed.

Let's say you were a young filmmaker looking to make a film. Because that's what you were made to do. You eat raw emotion and shit brilliance. You see life through the Rectangle of Truth that you make with your hands. You are a camera, and your life is a blockbuster waiting to happen. Your experiences are your shoots. Your drunken blackouts are your editing sessions. Grrahhhh FILMmaking! You are a CAMERA. Also, you have another camera, one that can film on film. Not quite as good as your brain camera, but you're cursed with small ear canals and the 35mm just won't fit, so you take what this dull world can offer. You find some drones to work as grips, editors, and script supervisors, but now, your least favorite part: actors. They're not as pliable as the mindless minions (actually just some freshman you regularly supply with Natty Light). Actors just have so many ideas. Ideas that don't come from your brain! What to do, what to do, what to do... You hump a small framed picture of Martin Scorcese for inspiration. How to accomplish all your "wants/needs?" AH! Yes! You've got it! Write a character who's socially awkward and over-accomodating. That way, they'll be too nervous to say anything back, and they'll cater to your every whim! Ha ha haaaa.... you lean back in your too-tall director's chair, steepling your fingers with satisfaction. But wait!



You look sharply to the right! (That's where the genius of editing helps to tell the story; our hero has realized something crucial.) Just because the character is playing a helpless character doesn't mean he is a helpless character. That's the problem with actors: they just pretend it, they don't live it. You're going to need actors who have no idea what they're doing. While gumming on the knockoff Oscar your godmother bought on Amazon, it hits you!



(This is the climax of the movie, ideally lots of fire and explosions, look into getting one of those stunt guys who can be lit on fire while windmilling his arms and walking slowly.)



NON-ACTOR ACTORS. Why didn't you think of this before? You hop on an actor casting website since there isn't one for actors who don't know how to act and post your heart out. Don't forget to thank them for reading it! People respond well to niceness. Now you just sit back and wait for the responses to pour in.You can't wait to work with people who can "connect to the characters" but who still have absolutely no ability to act. Also, they won't have any extensive training, but are still able to "work in a fluid, sometimes improvised way." Now the only problem left to solve is figuring out where to line up your Palm d'Ors. Right next to good ol' Marty!



You're welcome, boys. Next time: a special feature on one of the most problematic casting calls I have ever read. It's okay, I'll hold your hand.

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